Saturday
So, we got up and headed back to Barrington with Dave in tow, alternating between the three of us driving, and making sure not to take I-80 home. Dave nearly got us killed when he tried to toss a butt out the barely cracked window while he was driving: He was trying to make sure it didn't land in the back seat (the car was a two-door Accord with really long windows) and he swerved toward oncoming traffic as he turned to do it -- I had to reach over from the passenger seat and jerk the wheel so we didn't hit a car head-on at 80mph.
We stopped at an Indian casino somewhere in Iowa. It was from before the tribes started making their casinos more like Vegas -- it had a gravel parking lot, and was just one fairly large, minimally decorated room. Thinking about it, it felt a lot like a hotel convention center; lots of burgundy, cheap carpet. We each limited ourselves to $10 to spend, which went pretty quickly.
I'm glad I took detailed notes about our evening's activities, because otherwise I'd have no recollection of swimming by the slab. Reading this, I remember wading around looking for Shannon's wallet. The creek was warm and not terribly deep, and I kind of knew we wouldn't find the wallet, but Shannon was really upset so we looked anyway.
Sunday
Man, was I mood-swingy. Thinking back on this period in my life, I think my hormones were in high gear, seriously fucking with my head. I'd be in a great mood one day, a low one the next, and anything might push me in either direction. Puberty was not easy on me.
I'm going to transcribe the whole passage, since the secret writing would be sort of out of context otherwise. The secret text is in italics.
Dave & I met up with Brooke, Shannon, Gaby & Maggie today. We wandered a bit & ended up at East Park. We walked from there to Mitch's to say hi. We left & Maggie went home. We walked down the tracks back to town. As we were now an odd number of people, I ended up alone. With every step I became sadder and sadder, until sadness became anger, which in turn grew with each step. Dave was hungry, & Shannon had to go home, so Gaby & Brooke walked to B.K. while Dave & I dropped Shannon at home & met them. We ate & then drove to the high school. Sitting on the front lawn, Gaby and Dave talked, Brooke looked at the sky, and I fumed silently. Gaby tried to get me to talk, but I just hissed. We drove over to town & climbed on the roof of the Merril Lynch Building for a while. We got down & Gaby & I went to a field by St. Annes while Dave & Brooke went to the beer garden to use the restrooms. Gaby asked what was wrong so I told her. She told me she had strong feelings for me, but she wasn't sure what the were or what to do about them. She insisted on getting me to opening up the things I hide the most. I refused at first, but she began to cry, so I gave in and told her about Anne's rape and about being bullied in elementary school. We all walked back to Yvette's so Gaby & Brooke could be picked up. The were, & Gaby got Dave's address before she left. Dave & I went home & he watched The Fischer King as I dozed off. Happy Fourth of July!
Anne was an ex of mine who confided in me about a sexual assault she was the victim of when she was younger. I got told lots of secrets during high school, and I bottled them up and internalized them, which along with my own pain and suffering gave me a great deal of psychological stress. Rape is a heavy thing to lay on somebody, and it was just one of many secrets I carried for people. I found it very difficult to let that sort of thing out -- and who would I have told? It would have been a violation of a friend's trust.
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